“Song of Christian,” written in 1998 by a then-in-high-school Christian Chandler, is the lolcow’s attempt at writing an epic poem on par with Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself” – without the subtlety and restraint Walt showcases in his allegorical journey through the heartland of America. Instead of traveling through America, Chris uses the poem to talk about how much of a damned miracle his life is, starting from his precocious nature (he learned to talk at six months!) to his claims of beating the world record for fastest time on Mario Raceway (arguably the easiest track on Mario Kart 64) to him making a homemade Nintendo Power magazine to show off his Sonic the Hedgehog recolors and act as a resume to his future employers. Also, he can’t stand teenagers taking drugs and saying “fuck.” Sure, he drinks all the time, raps about openly raping girls (without realizing what he’s saying), and swears a metric fuckton, but you know, teenagers are bad for “rude words and D-R-U-G-S.” I refuse to say it how Chris writes it, so I say “drugs.”
lyrics
I hear America singing, as I sing of myself,
And you experience, as I experience.
The problems of yourself are my problems.
The youth and the young singing cries of happiness,
As you have sung the song of laughter.
At age six weeks, I sang this song of laughter
Then, at one and a half years of age, the Lord put the mute button on me.
Those are my parents' song. They pulled me through to talk again, at age seven.
I am now sixteen years old and good at talking enough to help me achieve...
New goals and Mario raceway records, and to finish my homemade Nintendo Power magazine.
The magazine's songs, the ballad of Sonic the Hedgehog on Game Boy.
The rudeness of the teenager's song,
The despicable mention of rude words and...D-R-U-G-S.
I am not afraid to speak, despite the hazardous flukes in America's song.
My song that I sing, although I talk well,
My peer relationship is low, and my loneliness is off the scale.
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